CHALLENGE FIC: mad pairings set by weirdos
by XxXVampires-are-awesomeXxX
Summary: The challenge: Write a oneshot for each of the unlikely pairings. ON HOLD
1. Slughorn X Filch

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the characters, they all belong to JK Rowling.**

**WARNING: Contains two males kissing, if you're offended by this, do not read.**

_

* * *

__One drink too many can lead to regret..._

Slughorn sat in his office eating some crystallised pineapple and marking some end of year potions papers. It was the second-last day of school, everybody would be going home for the summer the next day and it was his first chance to just relax and do some important marking. He wanted to get the papers out of the way so he could relax during the holidays. He scribbled down a grade, grabbed another chunk of pineapple and placed it into his mouth, chewing it slowly to savour the taste.

* * *

Argus Filch had spent the afternoon drinking fire-whiskey. He had found a group of seventh year Slytherins acting suspicious, so he'd decided to follow them. The boys had led him to a secret discarded passageway behind a portrait, that they'd stored their bottles of fire-whiskey in. It was against the rules for students to drink fire-whiskey, so naturally he'd confiscated the bottles but there was nothing in the rules that said that _he _couldn't drink it. So Filch had got himself absolutely steaming drunk and now he was feeling...mischievous.

He decided to go for a stroll...

* * *

Slughorn finished marking another paper and sighed loudly, it was hard work and incredibly boring. Absent-mindedly, he reached out and placed another cube of crystallised pineapple into his mouth, relishing the sweetness. Oh how he did love crystallised pineapple!

* * *

Filch prowled along the corridors of Hogwarts, looking for innocent students to torture. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you looked at it), they were all in their dorms relaxing, getting into the holiday mood. He turned the corner and saw that the door to Slughorn's office was slightly ajar, he decided to take a closer look.

* * *

Slughorn sensed someone standing in the doorway. He looked up to see Filch standing there, a strange glint in his eyes.

'Can I...help you?' Slughorn asked, trying to look interested in whatever the caretaker had to say.

'Erm...' Filch didn't know what to say, he didn't even know why he was there in the first place.

'I am rather busy you know, if it's non-important could you come back later? I want to finish marking these...'

Filch stared at Slughorn...he'd never really noticed him before. He'd never noticed the way his moustache shined in the light...the way his eyes gleamed...the glinting of the highly-polished silver buttons on his jacket. He moved closer...

* * *

Slughorn eyed Filch warily as he slowly made his way towards him. Suddenly Filch was in touching distance and without any warning whatsoever, Slughorn found himself being hauled out of his chair and slammed against the wall, Filch's face only inches away from his own.

Slughorn's eyes widened as Filch's lips crashed against his, pulling him into a kiss. Slughorn placed his hands onto Filch's chest, trying to push him away but Filch just pressed against him harder, trapping him. Slughorn struggled on for a few more minutes before giving up and losing himself in the kiss.

Filch broke away, kissed Slughorn on the forehead and left the office. Slughorn stared at the door from which Filch had just left in shock. After a few minutes, he shook his head and went back to his papers.

* * *

Filch awoke the next morning with the mother of all hangovers. He groaned and rolled over, why did it feel like he was dying?

Memories came back to him off his afternoon of drinking. _Well,_ he thought, _that explains the hangover._

More memories came back to him. Memories of walking towards a door, memories of going inside the door. Memories of Slughorn...memories of _kissing _Slughorn.

Filch leapt up, ran to the nearest bathroom and was promptly sick down the toilet.

_What _had he _done?_


	2. Albus X Mrs Norris

**Sorry about the humongously long wait, I've had extreme writers block but the recent sunny weather has brought back my inspiration and I've finally been able to write this. By the way, I'm changing the rating to M because some of the future chapters might get a bit mature (this isn't one of them) but don't worry, I'll put a warning up when it gets to one of those chapters, is that ok? Please review/message, feedback makes me feel loved! **

_There's more than one kind of love..._

Minerva McGonagall had always had a 'thing' for bearded men. The longer a man's beard, the more attractive she found him. Of course, the moment she she first met Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, she fell in love. There was one fatal problem however, one that stopped her from asking him how he felt about her, Albus Dumbledore was, in fact gay. Minerva knew this, the fact wouldn't stop bugging her but she still loved him, she couldn't bear to not be with him. She decided she needed some help. She went to her secret stash of potions.

She ran a finger along each of the potions, reading the labels until she found the one she was looking for. One that would make the drinker fall in love with a cat. She uncorked the stopper and inhaled the scent of catnip and mint, infused with something warmer, it was an indescribable smell...it conjured up pictures like drinking hot chocolate on a winter's night or snuggling up with a water bottle after a long, freezing cold walk in the middle of December. She smiled as she set the vial down, lost in her thoughts for a moment, before re-picking up the potion and slipping of down to the kitchens, to spike Albus' afternoon cup of tea.

Dumbledore watched a house elf apparate into the room with his tea, place it on a table and then disapparate. He sighed, it had been a long week but it was far from over, he had a staff meeting scheduled for that evening and being the headmaster, he had to attend. He reached forward and grabbed the handle of the tea cup, picking it up he took a sip...and almost spat it back out again. It tasted...off...a sort of...minty taste...yes, minty and...something else...something he couldn't place. He shook his head and brushed it off as his mind playing tricks on him, he then downed the lot. As soon as he'd drunk the strangely-tasting cup of tea, he felt light and airy inside and he also had a sudden urge to go for a walk...he stood up and exited his office.

Minerva turned a corner and took on her cat form. Padding along the corridor, she mused over her plan. She planned to cross Albus' path, whom she knew would go for a walk (one of the potion's side-effects), the moment he saw her, he'd fall in love...her plan could not fail. Unless...unless another cat crossed his path first...but she didn't want to think about that, she wanted to stay positive.

Dumbledore sighed happily as he strolled along the corridors of Hogwarts, feeling happier than he'd felt in a long time. All of his worries and doubts seemed to have been erased, a permanent smile plastered across his face. The corridors seemed more beautiful then they'd ever had done, the air seemed cleaner, fresher some how, he felt like nothing could go wrong. Up ahead of him was a patch of sunlight, escaping inside from a near-by window, in the centre of the patch seemed to be something small and furry. As he walked closer he saw that it was in fact a sleeping tabby cat, a rather beautiful looking one at that. Dumbledore smiled, bent down and began to stroke the cat's glistening fur.

Minerva spotted Dumbledore. He was crouched down...stroking something...a cat...Filch's cat to be precise...Mrs Norris. She stopped short and stared in disbelief as her perfect plan fell to pieces around her. He couldn't have found another cat! Not before her! Mrs Norris had ruined everything, Minerva let out a quiet hiss.

Mrs Norris started awake. Her ears pricked up, was that a hiss? She looked around in alarm and saw the other cat...the human-cat, staring at her in disgust. What had she done? Had she dropped another mouse in the human-cat's office? She couldn't remember doing so...She suddenly became aware of the fact that she was being gently stroked by somebody. She turned and saw the important human, the one with the long tuft of fur sprouting from his face, stroking the fur on her back. Why was he stroking her, he'd never even looked at her before, she wasn't even aware that he knew she existed. She turned her head again, the human-cat was still staring at her in that unfriendly manner, maybe the important human had something to do with it. She was very confused.

Dumbledore observed the cat's head movements, the cat seemed to be rather confused. Could cats even feel confusion? He didn't know. The cat's fur felt silky and fine beneath his fingers, it truly was a very marvellous cat. The cat looked at him again and he reached out and scratched it under the chin, the cat began to purr.

Minerva seethed as she heard Mrs Norris purring. How dare she! She began to feel very jealous of the school caretaker's cat.

Mrs Norris purred, she loved a good chin rub. She was used to only Filch giving them to her, it was nice to have someone else give her one for a change. Most people avoided her, especially misbehaving students. She only wanted a fuss, it wasn't her fault Filch usually followed her wherever she went.

Dumbledore began to feel a great sense of affection for the small tabby cat. He began to feel love...not romantic love, or the kind of love that you feel for a friend or family member but the kind of love reserved for a pet. The kind of love that is felt for big or small furred, feathered or even scaled companions. That kind of love that stays with you forever no matter what, even long after the pet is gone. It was that kind of love he felt for Mrs Norris.


	3. Harry X Voldemort

**WARNING: CONTAINS SEMI-IMPLIED NON-CON (rape) BETWEEN TWO MALES, DON'T READ IF THIS IF THIS DISTURBS YOU, NOT SUITABLE FOR YOUNG CHILDREN. **

_Appearances may not be as they seem... _

Harry potter was bored. Really bored. In fact he was so unbelievably incredibly bored that he was reduced to sitting on the pavement and watching the neighbours pet kitten. The kitten was trying and failing to climb a wall, each time it got near the top, it fell back down again, landed with a muffled 'thump' and mewed pathetically. So great was Harry's boredom that he failed to notice the shadowy figure creep up behind him before he had been hit by such a powerful stunning spell that he fell flat onto his face.

* * *

Harry awoke to find himself staring a cockroach in the eye or antenna or whatever cockroaches have. He let out a strangled yelp and stood up quickly, keen to put a distance between himself and the personal-bubble invading cockroach. He looked around him and it dawned on him that he was in fact, standing in a rather dirty looking cell.

'Ah, Mr Potter, nice to see you awake...' drawled a horribly familiar voice. Harry looked up to see Lucius Malfoy leaning against the door of the small, dark cell, looking sexy.

'W-w-w...' stammered Harry.

'I see that the boy who lived is also the boy who is incapable of forming a complete sentence.' sneered Lucius, the faint signs of the infamous Malfoy smirk beginning to form on his aristocratic looking face.

'I-I...I can too form complete sentences!' exclaimed Harry indignantly.

'I'm sure you can and I would love to stand around listening to you babble but unfortunately it is my task to take you to the Dark lord and as I'm sure you know, he does not like to be kept waiting.' Lucius straightened up and began to stride towards Harry.

'I'm not going without a fight!' Harry retorted, reaching into his back-pocket for his wand but finding it not there.

'Really Potter, I'm surprised at you, do I really look stupid enough to leave you armed?'

'Err...no I suppose not...' Harry said, looking down at his feet.

Lucius rolled his smoulderingly grey eyes and reached out, grabbed Harry's left arm and hauled him out the door and along the corridor.

* * *

Five hallways, three staircases and two living rooms later, they arrived outside a pair of ornately decorated double doors. Letting go of Harry's arm, Lucius reached out and pushed one of the doors open.

'My lord,' Lucius bowed low, 'I have brought the boy.'

A figure standing by a fireplace at the opposite end of the room turned around and faced the two wizards who had just walked in. Harry gasped as the horrifyingly familiar face of Lord Voldemort came into view.

'Ah, thank you Lucius, you may go now..' Voldemort said, his gaze switching from Lucius' face to Harry's, his eyes travelling downwards, looking him up and down. Harry shivered.

Lucius straightened,turned elegantly and exited the room.

'So Potter...we are finally alone...'

Harry shuddered and took a step backward, Voldemort took a step forward.

'Am I making you nervous Potter? Do you want to go and cry to your pathetic little weasley girlfriend?'

'How do you know about Ginny?' Harry half-asked, half-demanded.

'Trust me Harry, I've had my Death eaters watch you for some time now...'

Harry blanched and took several more hasty steps backwards, again Voldemort followed.

'Now, now Potter, don't be a baby stand still and take it like a man.'

'T-t-take what?'

'Oh come now Harry, haven't you noticed the way I was looking at you just now? I want you.'

'W-w-_want_ me?'

'Yes, _want_ you, and trust me, I always get what I want.'

Harry stepped back rapidly until he heard the soft 'bump' of his back hitting against the wall. Voldemort closed the gap, pressing in against Harry's body.

'Gotcha...' he purred, trailing a finger of his right hand down Harry's chest and stopping at the waistband of his jeans.

'N-no! Don't!'

'Don't what Harry?'

'Don't...'

'Say it Harry...'

'N-n...'

'Say it.'

'D-don't touch me _there_!'

'Why not Harry?' Voldemort asked, his left hand reaching up to stroke the side of his neck.

'B-because I don't like it! A-and anyway, I'm straight! I have a girlfriend!'

'Now now Harry, don't make me imperius you...'

'Y-you wouldn't...'

'Oh wouldn't I?' Voldemort removed his right hand from Harry's waistband and fished around in the pockets of his robes. Pulling out his wand (magic one!) he trailed it down Harry's body.

'Imperio!'

* * *

A couple of hours later, Lucius happened to walk past the ornate double doors and paused as he heard a rather strange noise coming from behind them. It was a sort of groaning, moaning sort of noise, mixed in with the odd grunt. Raising an eyebrow and continuing his way down the corridor Lucius decided that it must be some new form of torture...surely it couldn't be what it sounded like...

* * *

Later on, Lucius was sent for to collect Harry. When he entered the room he noted Harry's dishevelled appearance and also saw the vacant look in his eyes which showed that he was under the influence of the imperius curse. For the second time that day, Lucius raised a perfectly formed eyebrow but said nothing.

'Thank you Lucius, you may take the boy back now.' Voldemort said indifferently.

'Very well Master.' Lucius did a small bow and grabbed Harry's arm, hauling him back to the cell once more.

Once Harry got to the cell, his eyes brightened and he stopped looking so vacant. He looked around him, seeing that he was back in the cell, he had vacated earlier. He tried to remember what had happened but it was as if he'd been obliviated or something, no matter how hard he tried to think about that days events he couldn't remember past being pulled out of the cell door. There was something else as well, something niggling away at his brain, something quite disturbing.

'Lucius? Why does my butt hurt?'


End file.
